Bits of Parts

She is part, I am part. We stand whole, her on the top of the stairs, me a little lower.

She is wearing a nightgown, knees clinging to her chest, and she is covering her ears from something - I can't hear what, because this is only a dream. But her eyes are wide and her mouth is set.

She has already learned.

I hold out my hand. She doesn't notice. I move in front of her. Slowly, she moves her eyes to my body, then up to meet just below my gaze, avoiding looking too high, as if she is becoming slowly aware that she is not alone.

I gesture again and she finally reaches out to take the hand.

I take her up the stairs, past her favourite bookshelf, the uncovered lightbulb, and into her bedroom. In here is a world she still belongs. I kneel down next to the toy chest, and take out the plastic lion and the lion cub, and line them up. Then the elephants. The crocodiles and the goats. One small hand slips in and out comes the tiger. She smiles shyly, still avoiding your eyes. I understand - the animals are more interesting. And she is you. You are her.

"It happens," I say, lining up the tiger that you offer to me. "The brain turns off. It's called disassociation. There is too much to take in and so you think you need to remove yourself from the situation. To deal with it. It's scary, isn't it?" I stop. You're holding the cheetah to your mouth, nibbling its ear.  "You'll bite off its ear if you do that." I reach out my hand and you reluctantly give me the toy.

I put the cheetah behind the tiger. "But it helps. For a short time, anyway. It makes the fear easier to deal with. It removes all the shame."

You look a little lost without anything to chew, and reach back into the toy box. I watch you clambering around - you really had too many toys, but you did love them all.

"It's scary because you're expected to know so much," I say. "But this isn't something you need to solve. You know that, right?"

I wait for a flicker, for the freeze, but you calmly clamber through the box and  finally bring out the dolphin, holding it out for me. The tail is already bitten off, small white innards exposed, but other than that it's a passable dolphin. Your hands aren't shaking anymore.

"You don't need to meet anyone's standards," I say. "And I was too late for you then, but I'll be here for you now." I line up the dolphin too, and look at the assortment of toys. "We're creating quite a zoo, aren't we?"

"Would you like to know where they're going?" you ask, looking straight into my eyes.

I nod.

Finally you sit down. "They're going to the beach," you say with determination, focused again on the parade of animals. "This one's called..."